Rethinking Coping And Resilience

"What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger."

It’s a line we’ve all heard -  shouted in stadiums, printed on coffee mugs, and echoed through every heartbreak playlist. It’s comforting, even empowering. But is it actually true?

From a psychological and neurobiological perspective, this anthem of resilience is only telling half the story. Because what doesn’t kill you doesn’t necessarily make you stronger. It might leave behind a trail of scars — invisible but deeply encoded in your body and brain – shaping the way you feel, think, and respond to the world.

In other words: what doesn’t kill us becomes our coping mechanisms. And while some are healthy – jogging, journaling, therapy  – others lean toward the destructive: overeating, substance abuse, dissociation, or perfectionism. The real question isn't just how we cope, but what we’re trying to survive,  and whether mere survival is enough.

In psychotherapy, coping mechanisms are the behaviors, thoughts, and emotions we use to manage stress and trauma. They’re essential. A sign that the nervous system is doing its job: protecting us. But as trauma therapist Dr. Gabor Maté notes, “The child who shuts down emotionally to survive a toxic environment is not making a choice. The shutdown is the adaptation.”

That adaptation becomes a lifelong pattern if not consciously addressed. What was once a survival tool becomes a prison. For example, avoiding confrontation might have saved you from childhood chaos. But as an adult, it keeps you from intimacy or leadership. Coping helps you function, but it may not be enough to help you reach your full potential. Coping helps you survive, but to experience the joy or bliss of human life one needs to rewire their brain. 

This is where embodied wisdom comes in. Wisdom can be gleaned from all kinds of philosophical and psychological texts. But embodied wisdom is the ability to feel safe in your own body, to sense your reactions without being controlled by them, and to respond to life from a place of integration rather than survival. 

Psychiatrist and trauma expert Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, in his seminal book The Body Keeps the Score, explains that trauma isn’t just a story you remember. It’s a sensation you carry. Healing, therefore, isn’t just about talking through your pain. It’s about moving through it. Somatic therapies (like EMDR, breath work, yoga, or somatic experiencing) aim to release trauma stored in the nervous system and restore balance between body and mind. When trauma is unresolved, your body continues to respond as if the threat never ended. You’re coping. But you’re not free.

So no, what doesn’t kill you doesn’t always make you stronger or what we call in therapy speak - resilient. Sometimes, it makes you guarded. Or hyper-independent. Or emotionally numb. But through consistent, embodied, intentional healing, you don’t just survive. You evolve.

Groundedness over resilience

Resilience, as a psychological concept, is overrated. At its core, resilience is your nervous system’s capacity to bounce back from setbacks. But this "bounce back" implies an ongoing cycle of collapse and recovery. One that’s time-consuming, draining, and unsustainable.

And by setbacks, I don’t just mean traumatic events like abuse or loss. I mean the everyday difficulties that chip away at our energy: a job loss, a chronic health issue, the quiet disorientation of relocation. Life’s ordinary instability.

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What resilience does is keep us in a loop of endurance. What we need instead is groundedness -  the art of surrender rather than the compulsion to fight. Acceptance of life, exactly as it is, without denial or resistance.

A grounded person doesn’t avoid pain,  but they also don’t become insecure in its presence. They may feel grief, but not panic. They may experience loss, but not anxiety. Because they are anchored in embodied wisdom, not just coping, but coexisting with reality.

And here’s the radical part: groundedness doesn’t require money, status, or a miracle. It simply asks you to slow down. To commit to body-based healing practices,  breathwork, movement, stillness, that cost nothing but attention. It asks you to sit on the mat, often. To go inward. To find the stillness beneath the noise.

This isn’t a spiritual performance. It’s biological. You’re rewiring your brain for true connection. And that’s something learned resilience will never offer you. Because it will always keep you bouncing, burning out, and bracing for the next blow. 

(The writer is a mental health and behavioural sciences columnist, conducts art therapy workshops and provides personality development sessions for young adults. She can be found @the_millennial_pilgrim on Instagram and Twitter)